Being Jerry Seinfeld

by
John Follis (1998)



Imagine... one day you're watching your favorite show Seinfeld, and the next day you're directing two of the cast members. It's an experience that actually happened to me.

First, I have to say that ever since I saw my first Seinfeld I've been a huge fan. The acting, writing, casting... all brilliant. I also identify with TV Jerry. We're both the exact same age, single, thin, neat, and not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). We're both self-employed Manhattanites living in a one bedroom apartment. Both our places have a bike, computer, blue drinking glasses, animal oven mitts, and a kitchen stocked with eight kinds of cereal. The similarities are scary. Though I'm an ad man I have tried my hand at comedy -- writing it and performing stand-up. Ironically, the real Jerry is now writing ads.

Recently, I was asked to create a :15 TV spot for a popular Broadway hotel, the Marriott Marquis. My strategy was simple -- to leverage the Broadway location. My idea was that while choosing a Broadway Show is tough because they're all great, choosing a great (Broadway) hotel is a no-brainer -- it's the Marriott Marquis. To have some comedic fun and dramatize that point I thought of having an older couple bickering about which Broadway show they should see. The payoff would be; "Thankfully, choosing a great Broadway hotel is much easier." Simple, humorous, and easily done in :15.


I figured, "What-the-hell."


Now any Seinfeld fan knows that when it comes to bickering couples none compare with George's parents, the Costanzas. So, I figured "what-the-hell" and suggested them for the spot. Since this was in the mid 90's when the show was still super hot, I figured the chances of actually getting them were about as good as me playing shortstop for the Yankees. Nevertheless, I presented the thought and my case:

"Of course, we could use any actors as the couple, but imagine the impact of actually having the Costanzas. It'd be fucking awesome!"

And it truly would. Mediawise, the spot was scheduled to run heavily during the 11 pm Seinfeld reruns. I began to fantasize; "Fuckin' A .. a Seinfeld-themed TV spot during Seinfeld...how amazing would that be!"

Coming up with the idea was one thing. Getting it approved by the client was another. Certainly Jerry Stiller and Estelle Harris would cost many times more than unknown actors. And even if the client was willing to do it, would they be? And, even if they wanted to, would their contracts and schedules even permit it? And even if we were lucky enough to overcome all those obstacles, the question would then be: Could we afford them? After all, we were talking about two of the most popular actors on the most popular show on TV. To my utter astonishment the client thought the idea was great. Even more astonishing, Jerry Stiller and Estelle Harris we're both available and interested. And we got'em! It was nothing short of a miracle.

A few days later I find myself in a surreal situation. Not only am I about to meet two of my favorite Seinfeld characters, I'm about to direct them. I feel my heart pounding as I begin mentally talking to myself ...

"OK, John, relax and act professional. And, do not act star struck. To direct them you need their respect and confidence."

It's hard to explain what it's like to suddenly be face-to-face with someone you've been watching and enjoying for years on your favorite show. But, when I turn around I'm suddenly in the presence of George Costanza's nutty, orange-headed mom. Estelle Harris has just entered the room. Introductions are made, I compliment her acting, and after some perfunctory chit-chat I suggest we review her lines.

Despite the fact that the spot features the famous couple, we only hear their voices, off-screen. The camera is focused on a snoozing Pug dog. My logic is that it's the ideal foil for the background bickering. And, a Pug seems the perfect breed for a Costanza canine.


"It's not reality", says Estelle.


Upon reviewing lines with Estelle I discover she, surprisingly, hasn't been told much about the spot. She's under the impression that she's doing the voice for a cartoon dog. When I explain the spot she thinks it's cute, but has a suggestion. I brace myself. It has to do with the bickering husband having the last word. "It's not reality", says Estelle. "The woman always has the last word."

I'm not sure how to respond. I've rehashed the script a million times and I'm not about to change it, even for Estelle Harris. But, it's clear she feels strongly about it. Fortunately, a perfect solution pops into my head. Since I know the ultimate script decision will be mine, to appease her I decide we'll do a few takes in the studio however she wants,. But when I ask her what she's got in mind script-wise, she deflects it with, "Hey, you're the writer." I smile reassuringly but realize I haven't the slightest fucking idea of how to change a script I don't want changed, at which point I try to channel my muse ... "Come on, John, think...what would Jerry Seinfeld do?"

My thinking is abruptly interrupted by a commotion in the next room. Jerry Stiller has just arrived and I must immediately switch gears and now review the script with him. When I see the actor in the flesh I find myself needing to remind myself that this is Jerry Stiller the actor and not Fred Costanza the nut case. Yet, as we begin chatting, I can't help but wonder if I'll say something that'll trigger him to go totally nuts. Suddenly, I'm understanding how TV George feels.

Thankfully, Jerry is totally cool and fine with the script. Though he's a famous Hollywood actor at the top of his game, he could not have been more professional and respectful toward me. As the couple settle into the soundproof recording room I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with Estelle's suggestion. But, there's no more time to ponder, I need to take charge.

"OK, Estelle, let's try a few takes ... and just say whatever moves you for that last line you wanted to say," I say over the studio mic. She nods her approval.


"Poo!"


They read the script as I wrote it, and when Estelle gets her chance to end it with the last word, she blurts out ... "Poo!!" "Poo?" I think to myself. I press the mic button so she can hear me.... "Great, Estelle. Let's try one more" I say, knowing there's no-way-in-hell I'll be using it. She nods approvingly. We record another and we're done. The spot, as I intended it, will be great.

We wrap with everyone in great spirits. It's obvious that Jerry and Estelle enjoy working together as they begin reminiscing about old times. How fun it is to observe these talented veteran actors share memories about the Hollywood productions they'd both been part of. I listen as Estelle reflects with great fondness on a particular memory. Jerry, however, seems to remember it differently. Estelle then tells him that she's quite clear about her recollection. Jerry then tells Estelle that it's really not the way she recalls. Estelle insists it is. At this point everyone in the studio is laughing out loud as the two actors are literally transforming into the bickering Costanzas before our eyes. It's priceless and I can't stop feeling like I'm Jerry Seinfeld in the midst of a very real Costanza moment. As I continue watching the funny, bickering scene in front of me, I think to myself ... If this were an actual Seinfeld episode, I don't think Jerry himself could have come up with a more perfect ending.





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(c) 1998 John Follis. All rights reserved.
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